Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
