my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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