Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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