so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
