Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
