There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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