My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
