i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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