He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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