you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
