Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
