I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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