what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
