I'm really into asian looking animals
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
