I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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