You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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