There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
