seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
