Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
