He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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