my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
