Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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