It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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