I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
