i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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