He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
