I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
