I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You are the jesus of drinking
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
