I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
