i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
