Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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