I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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