dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
