Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
