dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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