I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
