remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
