Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
