Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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