Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
she pinky promised me she was 18
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
