The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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