I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
