Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
