I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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