Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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