Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
