I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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