there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
