Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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