Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
