I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
