He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
