I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
