I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
