ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
