YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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