eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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