did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
