so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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