Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize