I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
