Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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