her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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